I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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