So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
