I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
