After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
