Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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