got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
