The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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