i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
