I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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