I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have fence marks all over my body
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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