I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
