I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
