how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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