The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize