You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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