Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
