I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
