I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
