All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
