omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
