i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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