my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize