Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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