Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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