theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I met the friendliest cop last night
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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