if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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