If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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