i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
