Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
