Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
