and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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