My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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