What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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