I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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