im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
