FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
