I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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