You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
