I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
