he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
