You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
the liver wants what the liver wants
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
