i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
