I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
