If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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