Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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