I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
