I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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