yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
