i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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