I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I didn't shave. On purpose
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
