There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
