Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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