i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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