my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
