So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
