she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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