Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
