My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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