Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
